Chapter 15
Conrad changed more slowly.
He stopped attending Miriam’s private dinners because there were no private dinners anymore.
He stopped discussing Nathan’s future around capos.
He still bristled whenever Eli received attention.
That did not disappear overnight.
One evening, he came to my office with the football.
Eli had left it at his house after playing with Nathan.
Conrad placed it on the desk.
“I could have sent someone.”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t.”
I waited.
He looked at the initials beneath the seam.
E.R.
Then said:
“I thought if Nathan had less than Eli, it meant I had failed him.”
There it was.
Not power.
Fatherhood twisted through resentment.
I understood that better than I wanted to.
“You thought giving him more required taking from someone else.”
“Yes.”
He looked at me.
“Didn’t you ever think that?”
“Of course.”
That surprised him.
I continued.
“Then I had Eli.”
He waited.
“And?”
“And I realized children turn every ugly belief you have into something visible.”
Conrad almost laughed.
“That sounds miserable.”
“It is.”
For once, we smiled at the same thing.
Not forgiveness.
Not yet.
But the first conversation we had in years that was not secretly about who stood closer to the chair.
Before leaving, he touched the football once.
“I scared him.”
“Yes.”
“I know.”
May you like
That time, I said nothing.
He already understood.
